You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
