false alarm. still invincible.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
