does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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