Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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