I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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