if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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