The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
