There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
