I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
