yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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