Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
