Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
