Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
