My liver just broke up with me...
Screwed.edu
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
