I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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