Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
