When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
