Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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