U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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