Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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