I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
