I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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