Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
