i don't like sucking hair
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
