Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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