kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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