I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
