Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
