I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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