I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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