Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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