STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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