oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
