Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
