Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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