I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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