her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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