how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
