How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
