I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He has the fingertips of a God
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