I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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