I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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