My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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