These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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