Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
