And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
