In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
