my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
