Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
