i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
