At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
