theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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