i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm passing your future prison.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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